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| paper pods in the studio |
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It's a clear gorgeous morning and I'm in the studio, with fresh crisp air coming in the window, and I'm drinking cold leftover tea. I made some paper pods yesterday from a ream of cheap crummy graph paper that I just got from a scary store full of crap. I really like it. It smells like glue. I have to remind myself to play. How sad is that? I continue my fight against treating myself like an employee - how long will it take to undo this? Can it be undone?
Someone said to me last week as we were talking about what my day-to-day life looks like, "When do you ever let yourself out of the harness?" and I burst into tears.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't just you.
gahhhhhhh that almost makes me cry too! It's terrible that we are bad bosses to ourselves, or even that we feel like we have to *be* bosses. There must be a way out of this bad dynamic.
ReplyDeleteI schedule play time. Even retired I feel I must produce (it's hard to get out of the wheel said the hamster). So my mindset is this: I'll do this, then I get to do "play", then I'll do this, then I get to do "play". I play all through the day. It breaks up the "have to's", and gets me to think in between about the "play" as well.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm pretty good at doing the "work" work - bookkeeping, marketing, html tweaking, photo processing, ordering materials, planning, etc. I enjoy it because I can wrap my logical brain around it and, frankly, it's the only structure I have in my life!
ReplyDeleteFor me the problem is the classic "how do I unclamp my creative time" - the difference between productivity and creativity. No matter what I read or try, my inner Middle Manager steps in and ruins all the fun.
As Mike said to me last week (and take this in the Zen enlightenment way, not the mean way) if I wanted to cry at a job I could cry at a job with health insurance! He remembers I'm supposed to be enjoying this even when I've forgotten.
I promised myself to quit creating as soon as I would start looking at it as a job. That is why I hardly never make two items alike unless I can bear it one more time.
ReplyDeleteI Hate custom orders in the sense of ; "this size, this color and this is exactly what it needs to look like", therefore I refuse to do that.
If I would go against those rules, I would burn out within a month and would go wash sweet old lady bottoms and feed little old gramps with love, rather than create without passion.
And if my passion runs away with me, I take a break and recuperate, filling my head with things that make me stable again, that make me want to be focused again.
i have a disabled son whom I take care of, who keeps me straight, I cannot afford to crawl into my own world as much as I think I would like that and that is a good thing, otherwise I would drown in my own fable.
The mind of an artist needs heavy weights to keep his/her feet on the ground.
Take a break Helen, even if it is only a weekend.
everything you make has your mark on it.it took me years to realize that I'm not less creative when I do what I "have to" than when I do whatever comes my way.when you feel your day sucks get out.Today I left a huge load of "need to do or I'll be a failure ,work" and spent the day in an archaeology museum staring at mummified cats and hawks.
ReplyDeleteThanks yimmeke, and I really love the phrase "drown in my own fable." I'm not sure it's awful to think of this as a job, it IS my job! But I guess maybe it isn't helpful.
ReplyDeleteAlmapottery I think the "it took me years" part is the key to what you said. I went from just toying with what I do to making a living at it very quickly - which of course in many ways is awesome (and yes, Oprah, I'm grateful) but in terms of learning the things that come with years (about artistic growth and building a way of working) I feel like my cart is before my horse in some ways. I've had to put too much pressure on my work - but I have to stop right there in the middle of the sentence because *I* put too much pressure on everything if it doesn't already have it. As soon as something is easy I push it, immediately. I am served by that in some ways and crippled in others.
I definitely need to learn to walk away some times. I get stoic and dig in and no good comes of it. It's everyone's advice, and I can see how staring at mummified things would help ... it sounds so easy on paper ... okay okay I'll try it.
And thanks everyone. I also tend to be stoic about talking about my problems, and look here we are all chatting about them in public. Gah! But I really appreciate you all sharing with me.
ReplyDeleteOK, i suck i'm always treating myself to a pleasant distraction and a cold beer. Take breaks, it does the heart good. xo
ReplyDeleteI think that means you're smart, not that you suck!
ReplyDelete